v + y = e & e

becoming a parent for the first time is life-changing for pretty much everyone. mind shattering for most. some have been waiting for this moment for as long as they can remember. others stumble upon a destiny they never thought would be their own. in my case, i was somewhere in between. i'd always wanted children but never thought i was responsible or practical enough to be a good mother. i always thought that i was too marginal, too much of a party animal, too opinionated to bring a child into this world in a fair, respectful and loving manner. i was scared and didn't trust myself and my instincts - most seemed to go against the grain of any decent parent i'd come across in my lifetime.

when i met yann, my biggest worry of the day was what i'd eat for supper - if anything at all. my diet consisted mainly of poutine, pizza, pasta, beer and cigarettes. i never ate breakfast, was almost always late for class, went into work drunk a few times (nothing to be proud of, i assure you) and spent most of my time drinking with whomever was available. bringing a child into the equation just didn't seem to make any sense at all - especially since i was single. but single or not, i knew i wanted to be a mother and for some reason, like most people my age, i felt i needed to get certain things done before achieving this goal. i thought i needed to finish school. that i needed a steady, full-time job. that i needed to be in a commited relationship for atleast 5 years. that maybe i even needed a house. that i needed to be engaged, then married. i felt that anyone who had a child without those things was - ironically - irresponsible and selfish. it seemed like there were so many steps between me and this diaper dream that it just wasn't going to happen for another 10 years. so i had just settled into this party-filled, carefree lifestyle. and it suited me just fine.

when i met yann, i was just fresh out of a relationship. heartbroken, i guess... from what i can remember - not that it really matters anymore. i had decided to put love aside for a while and to concentrate on the last few months of photography school. it was a passion of mine that i was hoping to turn into a profession and wasn't about to mess it up. i wanted to be serious - although i always had trouble doing just that. making funny/inappropriate comments always seemed more important than taking notes or listening to the lesson being given - i guess that was me being true to myself. but nonetheless, i was set on doing things right. and in order. 

but in order according to whom? 

when i met yann, i discovered someone who was carefree. not in a selfish way as he's probably the most selfless person i've ever met in my life but in a very healthy, "i am who i am" kind of way. he opened up my eyes to what "being yourself" really meant. he made no excuses. he was funny. charming. smart. sweet. he was thoughtful (he brought me a birthday gift when i was just the barista serving him his morning coffee!). caring. giving. he was an animal-lover (he would literally take breaks from work to go walk his dogs!). a movie buff. a vegetarian. a music lover. an artist. as loyal of a friend as they come. he just did what he wanted to do and i admired that. the more i got to know him, the more i wanted to spend time with him. just be around him. he had this aura about him. 

when i met yann, i fell in love with a person. not an idea. not a dream. not an image. he was, right down to the last detail, exactly what i didn't even know i was looking for all this time. there it was, in this cute little, inked, french package: the man of my dreams. the love of my life. he made me stop caring about all those details. he made me realize that life is about what you're doing and living in that moment. not what may or may not happen in 5 years. not what people thought. just how i felt. what i wanted. and what made me happy.

on october 7, 2010 (too much) wine finally gave us the courage to do what we had both secretly wanted to do for months. i may of been inebriated beyond recollection, but i do remember when he first held me in his arms. i remember that feeling that hollywood sells in about every single love movie. that feeling that the earth had stopped turning. cars have stopped moving. people have stopped walking. all that existed in that moment was me and him. we didn't even kiss. we didn't need to. we got out of the taxi and just stood there. smiling. i mustered the courage to tell him he should come sleep over... yeah, it escalated that quickly. we just cuddled (seriously!) all night. laughed like school children. and kissed. we finally kissed. my heart felt like it was going to explode. i didn't even go to school the next day. i can't believe i'm going to 'fess up to this but... i actually called his client and pretended to be is secretary and called in sick for him (horrible, i know but all worth it - she ended up getting another appointment in the weeks that followed, don't worry!!) we just laid there. all day. talking. smiling. kissing. not wanting to let each other go.


for those of you that are (extremely) good with calucations, i got pregnant about a month and a half later. suddenly, i no longer thought i had to finish school (don't worry, i did!). i no longer thought i needed a steady full-time job. that we needed to wait another 4 years and 10 months. or that we needed a house an a white picket fence. or that he had to propose (which oddly enough, he had done a few days before). all that mattered in that moment, on december 24th, 2010 when he walked out of the bathroom with that positive pregnancy test, was that we loved each other. in a way i never even thought humanly possible. all that mattered was that we were so committed to each other, that we knew we'd make things work. all that mattered was the mutual respect we had for each other. i didn't care if it was selfish. or irresponsible. i didn't care about my decision-making skills. or if i was too opinionated to raise a child. all i cared about was sharing this mind-shattering, life changing event with him. suddenly, going against the grain became our motto. we didn't care what other people thought or how things were supposed to be done. we knew how we wanted to do things. we knew how we wanted to raise this child. 

when i met yann, i was carefree, opinionated and just wanted to have fun... frankly, a child and a pregnancy later, none of that has changed and i don't ever want it to. i don't want a house with a white picket fence. i don't want to redecorate my living room every 2 years with the latest ikea fashion. i don't want to pretend to be anyone else other than who i am. and i certainyl don't need a big diamond ring. i don't make excuses. i've become a practical and responsible version of myself without losing the rebel side. i've stopped planning and started living. whatever happens, happens and we make the most of it. that's what life is about. well, atleast that's what mine is about.