i've just experienced the most amazing thing in the world. i've given birth barely a half hour ago... i gently place my daughter to my breast. i hope for the best but in the back of my mind i just know it'll work. why wouldn't it? what could go wrong? as she latches on for the first time, i feel just about the worst pain - mind you, i have some frame of reference, given i've just expulsed her from my vagina. at this point, giving birth kind of feels like it was the easy part of the ordeal. the pain her suckling is causing is just beyond anything i had ever imagined. it's far from being the magical, amazingly beautiful moment so many moms and books had described. it feels like someone is pulling my nipple from the inside with a pair of plyers and out my rib cage. i'm tired, my entire body hurts. i partly blame the fatigue and overall pain for how our first attempt at breastfeeding turns out. i figure, we have to give each other some time to adapt - find what works best for us.
the midwife is encouraging and tells me i'm a natural. i just feel like i could die. but i've been waiting too long for this moment to stop. E seems to be enjoying it, taking in as much of the magical elixir as she can. right at the first suckle, i can tell she'll be a good eater. i rest up and wait for the little alarm clock to cry for more - we all sleep for a few hours and then she's back for more. i try and be positive. i hope for the best and plug her for the second time - excrutiating pain. but i suck it up. i figure, i just gave birth to her. i just went through 8 hours of pain - i can do 20 minutes of breastfeeding.
the third time, the fourth... the twentieth... the hundredth. they're all the same. but i refuse to buy formula. i don't even want it in the house. but the pain just won't go away. i consult my midwife. ask my mom, yann's mom, friends. i pump my milk. i try every feeding position under the sun - sitting, laying down, in the bath, on my side... E gets trush. i get a mastitis. we do the gentian violet and i take antibiotics. nothing seems to be working. it's just painful. it even becomes stressful. i hear her cry and i want to run and hide under the couch. or a rock. meanwhile, i have what seems like a ton of friends telling me how amazingly, magically wonderful breastfeeding is for them. how not painful at all it is. i'm happy for them. i really am. it just sinks me deeper into thinking i'm doing it wrong. into thinking that maybe i should just give up.
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but i didn't give up. i last 5 months like this. some might think i'm crazy. others might understand. some might judge. others might not. bottom line is, after going through 8 hours of push pains, i went through 5 months of horribly, excrutiating pain in order to nurse my daughter. but i was proud. good gracious was i proud of myself given the circumstances and the trouble i had had. i was so happy that i'd been able to find it in me to go so long. i felt accomplished and empowered that i was able to feed my daughter the healthiest possible food in the world for her.
i'm going to be honest - that feeling is long gone. everytime i shook up a bottle for her after that, the feelings of regret emerged. (we stopped formula when she was about 11 months old - soy milk, cow milk, almond milk was introduced) everytime i went to buy formula, i felt ashamed. everytime i saw a mother breastfeeding her child, i got jealous of her accomplishments. everytime someone asked me how long i breastfed her, i felt like 5 months sounded like 5 minutes. now, part of that might be the pregnancy hormones - part of it is actually how i feel. some of you might feel like i'm being quite hard on myself and maybe i am but my point of view is this: i brought her into this world and i wanted to do everything in my power to do the best for her - even if that meant being in pain for 5 months straight.
now that i'm pregnant again, i feel like i've been given a second chance at breastfeeding and it's bringing back a lot of memories. if it works, it'll be a small victory for me and might get me one step closer to understanding what went wrong the first time around.
oddly enough, as much as i find most people perpetuate a negative image of birth, i've found that everyone makes breastfeeding out to be magical. amazing. as though it'll be just the same for everyone. before experiencing it myself, i had never, not once in my life, heard someone say how painful breastfeeding was for them or could potentially be. or how much they didn't even enjoy it. or how their breasts calised and bled. once i started admitting how painful it was for me and telling people how i felt, so many others started sharing their stories and i realized that i was far from being alone - scabs, bloody nipples, infections, gluttonous babies... i realized i wasn't the only one to want to hide under the couch the second i heard my baby crying. or that i wasn't the only one to cringe when her mouth would approach my nipple. funny thing is, as much as i regret it not going longer and as much as it hurt and isn't the best example, i feel the need to share my story. to encourage other mothers nonetheless to breastfeed and persist. to let first-time mothers know that it can be hard but it is worth it.
having said all this, i want to embark on a tangent in regards to breastfeeding - what some might call "extreme breastfeeding" or what others might consider to be "breastfeeding for a normal amount of time". what i'm talking about is, nursing past 1 year of age. some people seemed to be appalled that some mothers would nurse their toddlers well into their third, fourth or even fifth year of life. frankly, i could care less what other people do and i say, "power to you!" if you can go that long. personal decisions are not up for discussion. i've had so many people ask me what i think of this, half with a look of disgust on their face already letting me know what their stance on the subject was. part of me thinks, "what is it to you?". the other part is in awe of these mothers.
most notably, in a recent times magazine article (that happened to make the first page and shocked people all around the world) breastfeeding toddlers was adressed and after going around a few forums, some being pro-breastfeeding, i was disgusted by the nature of some of the comments that could be read. some twisted people even seemed to find that there was some sort of sexual connetation to breastfeeding your child that long. most thought it was flat out gross and a select few were totally for this practice - which is a lot more common than we know. the thing is this - these women are all having the last laugh for a multitude of reasons:
-breastfeeding is free.
-it produces natural anti-bodies for your baby. (a baby's immune system is still only 60% effective at 1 year of age)
-helps with losing the baby weight. (always a plus!)
-all nutrients a child needs are found in breastmilk.
-it increases closeness/bonding with your baby.
-breastfeeding is convenient when out and about.
-it promotes optimal brain development in babies.
-helps reduce breast/ovarian cancer in mothers who breastfeed and helps prevent it in infants that are breastfed.
-super eco-friendly!!!
-less chances of diabetes, obesity, allergies...
-many studies have shown that breastfed babies are less likely to be affected by SIDS.
-breastfeeding releases oxytocin, which can help in preventing baby blues/post-partum depression.
-also reduces the risk of post-partum bleeding.
-breastfeeding is a 98% effective contraceptive method in the first 6 months.
-more easily digested by baby than formula.
-also protects against asthma, arthritis, Crohn's disease and cavities.
-less diarrhea.
-protect against the growth of harmful bacteria in the digestive system.
-breastmilk is always the perfect temperature.
-breastfed children are liess likely to contract a number of diseases later in life... juvenile diabetes, MS, heart disease, cancer...
-women who lactate for a total of two years or more reduce their chances of developing breast cancer by 24%.
-the longer you breastfeed, the more beneficial it actually is for your child and for yourself.
really, need i say more?
yes, it might be hard. i know first hand how difficult it can be. but i also know how important it is and how worthwhile it can be to persist. this post isn't meant to make women who couldn't or didn't breastfeed feel bad. far from it. i'm one of those women. even though i managed 5 months, i still feel i could of done more. better. longer. i'm just grateful i get a second chance...
