mommy mondays : homemade baby wipes

as promised, this is kind of like part 2 - after the homemade soap here is an easy way to make your own wipes! ever since we started making these, we haven't had one bout of redness or even the slightest hint of a rash. we did use straight up baby faceclothes for a while - just wetting them with water - thinking it was better (and more eco-friendly) but it turned out to be so much messier... and a little harsh on the bum! so, enough with the chitchat, here we go...


what you will need:

• bounty paper towels (and yes, it has to be bounty. or another high end paper towel brand - no generic stuff. it won't hold up.)
• one cup of water
• a round plastic container (i got mine at the pharmacy)
• a tablespoon (to measure)
• sweet almond oil
• any type of baby soap - this a great chance to use your homemade soap! 
• an electric knife 

before you start, make sure your cutting surface is clean and dry - as well as your measuring cup and the round plastic container. if you can't find a round container, you can reuse a regular baby wipe container but it's just a little more work folding them into place.

so, the first step is to cut the roll of paper towels in half. the easiest way we found was to do this with an electric knife. if you don't have one, you can always use a regular bread knife but doing so makes quite a mess - little white fuzz everywhere! but whatever, it's well worth the easy to clean mess...

next, insert the roll of paper towel inside the plastic container - depending on the size of the container you bought and the kind of bounty you have, you might need to take some off the roll. when we buy the extra super soaker extraordinaire rolls, i keep the extra and reuse in our square box of wipes that we kept for that purpose. that way we have two containers of wipes (kinda handy with 2 babies) and we don't waste any of the paper towels! just fold them accordingly so they fit in the box and follow the next steps just the same.

                                                                                                                           then, measure out one cup of water in a clean measuring cup. in the same cup containing the water, add one tablespoon of sweet almond oil (any other type of oil will do really) and two tablespoons of soap. mix well. note here that depending on the size of the roll and the container, these quantities may be more or less... you will know how to adjust according to the texture of the wipes: soggy means too much liquid and dry means not enough. (did i really have to mention that?!)

                                                                                                              now that your liquid preparation is complete, poor it evenly over the roll of paper towel. make sure to cover as much surface as possible - don't just dump it in the middle but still manage to get the brown cardboard middle wet.                  

                                                                                                                 then close the lid on the plastic container. wait 10 minutes and flip it upside down. that way the liquid is evenly distributed on and in the roll of paper towel. after 10 more minutes, the roll should be completely embedded with the liquid. open up the lid and gently pull out the brown cardboard - it should just slip right out! 

there you go - homemade baby wipes ready to use! pretty awesome, right? and they are good for just about everything: changing diapers, cleaning dirty hands and faces, picking up messes, wiping up dirty counters...etc...etc... now, get cracking! make your own, too and let me know what uses you found for them! don't forget to share: down with johnson&johson, UP WITH HOMEMADE!

mommy mondays: comment faire son propre savon

il y a quelque temps, j'ai commencé à m'interesser aux projets "à faire soi même" - je cherchais des manières de faire plus de choses "maison" et de me conscientiser par rapport aux produits que j'utilisais sur et pour mes enfants. de là, j'ai trouvé une "recette" pour savon que nous avons paufiner avec le temps et les essais. je l'aime tellement que je ne me vois pas retourner aux savons de pharmacie bourés de produits... surtout qu'il est tellement facile à faire!

alors, allons y...

ce dont vous aurez besoin :

• 1 pompe à savon achetée en pharmacie (la sorte qui transformera le savon liquide en mousse -  si vous trouvez une pompe vide dans un magasin spécialisé, c'est encore mieux! )
• 1/4 tasse de savon de castille (nous utilisons la marque dr. bronner's doux pour bébé)
• une coulisse d'huile d'amande douce et/ou de vitamine e en huile
• 3 goutes d'huile de théier pour hydrater 
• 5 goutes d'une huile essentielle de votre choix pour la senteur - si vous voulez! (nous utilisons lavande)

*au sujet des huiles essentielles et de la vitamine e, vous pouvez jouer avec le nombre de goutes (et même avec les types d'huiles). les quantités et sortes indiqués sont ce que nous avons trouvés fonctionne le mieux pour nous. évidement, trop d'huiles peux donner un savon très huileux.

la première étape n'est pas trop écologique* mais elle consiste à vider la bouteille de son contenu à couleur un peu radioactive. vous devrez aussi vider la pompe de son contenu - il y en aura sans doute qui aura fait son chemin dans le réservoir. 

*le point positif: vous aurez qu'à le faire une fois! 

on aime bien enlever l'étiquette pas très belle pour y inscrire un petit titre rigolo - yann a insisté qu'on appel celui-ci 'super savon pas cher'.

vous pouvez garder l'étiquette, si vous le voulez. ça n'aura pas d'effet sur le produit final même si spiderman (ou fraisinette) est de la partie!

ensuite, mesurez environs 1/4 de tasse* de savon de castille.

*bon, ça fait environs 6 mois que je fais ce savon alors je vais vous avouer que je ne mésure plus rien. j'y vais à l'oeil et du coup, ça me permet de jouer avec les variantes - plus de savon donne plus de mousse, par exemple. amusez vous à votre tour et vous trouverez certainement la formule pour vous et votre famille.

ajouter au savon un peu de vitamine e et/ou de l'huile d'amande douce. vous pouvez faire un ou l'autre... ou les deux! la recette original n'avait pas d'huile d'amande douce mais quand élie a commencé à percer ses dents, nous en avons ajouté pour contrer les petites plaques rouges. un succès!

vous pouvez en profiter pour ajouter les goutes d'huiles essentielles - qui sont aussi une option. commencez par faire la recette de base et après vous pouvez faire des recherches sur les différentes huiles et leurs bienfaits et vous amusez à votre tour à trouver le bon mélange!

une fois que tous les ingrédients sont dans la bouteille, ajoutez de l'eau - n'y allez pas trop vite car sinon ça déborde. un autre bon conseil: ne pas remplir jusqu'à rebord sinon ça risque de déborder aussi une fois le réservoir inséré. de toute manière, c'est rien qu'un petit rincage ne peut régler!

et voilà, les carottes sont cuites! c'était facile, non? si vous pompez et que le savon ressemble à ceci... c'est que vous avez réussi! si le savon sort encore en liquide, c'est pas grave par contre le savon se consomme plus vite dans cet état. c'est signe que vous n'avez pas le bon type de contenant.

tout simplement dit, j'adore ce savon. j'adore quand j'en manque et que je ne fais qu'ouvrir la pharmacie et je fais mon petit mélange en moins de 30 secondes. ça bat à tout coups de sortir, aller en pharmacie et payer 4-5$ à chaque fois seulement pour mettre plein de produits potentiellement chimiques sur mes enfants... bien sur, le kit du débutant coûte un peu cher: environs 4-5$ pour la pompe, 16$ pour une bouteille de 32 oz. du savon de castille dr. bronner's et à quelque part entre 5-10$ pour chaque huile essentielle, selon l'huile que vous choissisez.

le point positif: la bouteille de 32 oz. fait environs 20 bouteilles de savon! 

mommy monday: how to make homemade soap

here's a little something i discovered a while back while on my hunt for things i could make on my own and i just absolutely fell in love with it - so much so that now i can't help but share! i can't even imagine going back to regular baby soap - partly because i know what i am using on my children but also partly because it is so darn easy to make!

so, here we go...

what you will need :

• 1 soap pump bought at your local pharmacy (the kind that transfers the liquid to foam -  if you can find an empty soap pump in a specialty store, that's even better! )
• 1/4 cup of castille soap (we use dr. bronner's baby mild)
• a tiny sliver of vitamin e oil and/or almond oil
• 3 drops of tea tree oil - optional but i find it helps with hydration, although too much can render the opposite effect! 
• 5 drops of any essential oil of your choice for the scent - if you want! (we use lavender)

*when it comes to the essential oils as well as the vitamin e oil, you can play around with the amount of drops (or even kinds of oils), these are the amounts we found work best for us. obviously too much sweet almond or vitamin e oil will make a very oily soap. 

the first step is not very eco-friendly*, but it consists of emptying the soap pump of the nasty neon blue "soap" that's already in there and washing it clean. (you might also to pump it a few times to empty the reservoir of the soap that's seeped in.)

*the upside: atleast you only have to do it once!

we like to take off the silly label and write our own little title for the concoction - yann insisted on calling this one 'amazing soap (and cheap)' for the purpose of the photoshoot. 

you can keep the label if you like, it makes no difference in the end - your soap will still rule even if spiderman (or strawberry shortcake) stays! 

next, measure out about 1/4 cup* of the castille soap. 

*now that i've been doing this for almost 6 months now, i sort of just eyeball it and it works just fine. when doing it for the first few times, i did take the time to measure it out but in the end, it's your soap, so have fun with it; play around with measurements and find what recipe works best for you and your family's needs.



add to the soap a tiny bit of the vitamin e oil and/or almond oil. you can do one or the other... or both! our original recipe only contained the vitamin e oil and when élie was teething yann suggested we added a little bit of sweet almond oil (which was already our go to 'diaper rash' solution) to the mixture.

now is also a good time to add the drops of essential oils - which are optional. you can try this recipe first and then research a little about which essential oil does what - this will allow you to play around with the recipe and make your own little mixture!





once all the ingredients are in the soap pump, fill up the rest of the bottle with water. be careful though - don't fill it up too quickly or else it'll foam up and overflow. another good thing to keep in mind to avoid overflowing is to leave a little room for the pump - if you fill all the way to the top, it'll come through the sides once the pump is inserted. in any case, it's nothing that a little rinsing can't fix.

there you go - all done! how easy was that?! if you pump and the soap looks this... you've succeeded! if it comes out still in liquid form, it's ok but i find it uses up the soap much quicker. if this happens, you might have the wrong type of pump.








i just simply love this recipe. i love running out of soap and opening up the cabinet and being able to wipe up a batch in about 30 seconds flat. it sure beats going to the pharmacy and paying 4$ everytime only to put nasty commercial soap filled with tons of random ingredients on my kids... keep in mind: the starter kit will cost you - about 4$ for the soap pump, 16$ for the dr. bronner's 32 oz bottle of soap and anywhere from 5-10$ for each of the essential oils, depending on which ones you choose.

the upside: the 32 oz bottle of castille makes about 20 bottles of soap!

our favorites

once again, i've taken a good 2-month long (and some...) break from blogging but with good reason. actually, probably with the best reason there is. on january 19th, i gave birth to our second baby girl and we just spent the last months or so soaking up every minute of this new baby. i promise, the birth story will come... i'm very excited about sharing this beautiful experience with you all but this morning, i felt like i wanted to share with you all some of my (our) favorite products. those that have saved us in a bend, those that always come in handy and those we've only just recently discovered.

1. baby carriers - for anyone who's never used one, tried one or even seen one... they are soooo worth looking into. my sister kindly passed on her ergo baby carrier over to us when i got pregnant and i was so thankful for it... especially when i saw the price (they retail for anywhere between 115-160$ depending on the model). i remember thinking it was insane to pay that much for, let's face it, a bag but after having used it time and time again... i'd pay that much twice over in a heartbeat!

i was also fortunate enough to have one of my best friends make us a mama kangaroo wrap... frankly, my fiancé much prefers the sturdiness of the ergo whereas i'm a bigger fan of the flexibility of the wrap. he hates the tangled mess that can come from wrapping a mama kangaroo - it really is only a long piece of fabric when you look at it - and even feels trapped in it. i, on the other hand, rather that than the heavy straps of the ergo. everyone has their preference and there are so many out there that you are bound to find the one that best suits you and your needs. i'm typing this with baby in the wrap, sitting comfortably at the kitchen table, eating breakfast. lovely!

here are some of the options out there when it comes to baby carriers:

carriers - http://www.bynature.ca/baby/baby-slings-baby-carriers/soft-pack-buckle-carriers.html
wraps - http://www.bynature.ca/baby/baby-slings-baby-carriers/baby-wrap-carriers.html
slings - http://www.bynature.ca/baby/baby-slings-baby-carriers/baby-slings.html



many other websites carry baby carriers but the best thing to do if this is your first is to find a store that carries each kind and to go ahead and try them. don't be shy, you are, after all, going to spend a pretty hefty sum on it and lots of time using it so feel free to take them for a little test drive!


2. video monitor - my second go-to product was also given to us by an aquaitance we met... at the dog park! working as a garbage man in a wealthy neighbourhood in montreal, he stumbled across a video baby monitor that was being thrown away and thought of us. we thought it was absolutely silly at first and i'm sure a few of you are rolling your eyes as you read this but we just got hooked! so much so that when we dropped and broke it, we went out and bought another one! the main reason why we love it so much: you can check up on baby without disturbing him! so great! we have horrible squeaky doors in our house and everytime we open and close them, we manage to wake someone up... and every parent knows how horrible it feels to have spent the last hour(s) trying to put baby down only to wake him up trying to check up on him... no more of that with a video monitor!

again, quite a little sum to be dropped but if you're lucky like us, you can find a used one in perfectly good condition on websites like amazon for 50$. we have the Levana Wireless and what we loved about it was the cute little wireless screen monitor that can be carried about to a distance. we what adore about it is that you can purchase extra cameras and monitor up to 4 cameras from the same base monitor! what?! yeah! so, with the arrival of the new baby came a new camera... seems a little creepy? it is a little, until you want to watch a movie cuddled up with your significant other. babies sleeping, monitor is hand, volume up we can safely keep an eye on them and enjoy a little alone time!

many different models out there, again you can research into which one suits you best. we had chosen this one based on price but turns out we are satisfied customers!

3. aden + anaïs swaddle blankets - any swaddle blanket is a must but i particularly like these ones bcause they are big, extra soft and very pretty... ok, that last bit isn't necessary but always a nice plus! these muslin blankets were created by an australian mother living in the US who had trouble finding proper swaddling blankets like the ones she remembered from her childhood. the ones she found at the time were too small, too thick, too warm and not very attractive. these blankets are so big they can not only be used to swaddle but also as burping clothes, nursing covers, stroller covers... and really, the list goes on.

i love the soft, breathable texture of these blankets. i love how they are so big that they can used as a cover or folded into a small pillow or used as a swaddle blanket when folded in half. i love the pretty designs - there is bound to be a collection you love! i love that my 18 month old now uses it as her blankie. i just simply love the versatility of these blankets. again, i thought the price was a little much at first and ended up buying one individually. about a month later, i went back and got a pack of four and we now use them exclusively on a rotation with our newborn. they are amazing and i could never say that enough!


4. sweet almond oil - this little jewel of nature, derived from the sweet almond tree, works wonders for a plathora of reasons and uses. it's usually used as a massage oil, which can be great during pregnancy for little aches and pains (some sources do mention possiblity of premature birth if used during pregnancy whereas many other sources deny it). it can also be used during birth for perineal massages. it's great for diaper rashes (unless you have a history of nut allergies in the family in which case you can turn to coconut oil). it can be applied to the scalp for craddle cap. we've just recently begun making our own baby wipes and we add one tablespoon of oil to the mix (1 cup of water + 2 tablespoons of whatever baby soap you use - we make our own, also - added to half a roll of bounty papertowels in a plastic container.)

all in all, it's been our go-to product of choice. we've never used diaper rash cream on her as they can often clog pores and make the rash worse off than it already was. other than during teething periods, our daughter has never had diaper rashes of any sorts and i attribute that greatly to our use of oils instead of creams. it also be used as a muscle pain revliever, as a treatement for dry hair, as a healthier substitute for olive oil in cooking, a skin moisturizer... and really the list goes on and on. look it up, try it out and you'll love it, i'm certain!


5. my breasts - let me explain this one: with élie, i stopped breastfeeding exclusively pretty early on. we introduced the bottle as early as 16 days old because feeding was so painful for me. i had a lack of proper support, or at least i didn't reach out the right people during that period of time for encouragement to keep going. anyways, now that i'm getting a second chance at it, i'm proud to say that we are going on almost 3 months of exclusive breastfeeding with émile... and what a relief!

it's been a relief on me, on yann, on our bank account, on our baby bag and just on prepation/organization in general. i used to feel so bad giving élie the bottle and now i'm just so happy every time feedings come around. i'm proud of me, of her, of us... i'm so happy and humbled that i got a
second chance at breastfeeding (which i can about more in detail in this previous post: http://www.gypsy-mommy.blogspot.ca/2012/11/es-birth-part-3-or-breastfeeding-best.html). actually, we've all gotten a second chance because not only does émile breastfeed but i've pumping as much as i can for élie... and yann's been relieved as it's working out so well and it's just less stressful for us all.

being able to exclusively breastfeed has allowed us to splurge on other things like little family dates/outings and we've also been able to keep saving up for our wedding this fall... so exciting! speaking of outings, one of the great things about breastfeeding is the ability to dress baby, pack a diaper or two and just simply be out the door! no bottles, no cleaning, no sterelizing, no powder... just some already attached boobs. and freedom.


well, these are some of our favorites... what are yours?

confessions of an addict

i'm not going to lie. i'm not going to pretend. and i certainly am not going to make excuses. i was a tv addict. plain and simple. not a day went by where i didn't watch tv. for more than an hour at a time. mindlessly. it was just one of those things - it had always been there. in retrospect it's almost sad to say it like this but it was one of those things that was always part of my life: it lulled me as a baby, accompanied me as a child and was my friend throughout my teenage years all the way to last year. 25 years. we had a good run, tv and i. from tom & jerry to riki and jerry to jerry and elaine... i loved it all and watched it all. and it never crossed my mind (or my parents' either, i guess - but it's unfair to drag them into this) that i could be doing something better with my time... or my life.

it wasn't until two years ago, when i met a certain amazing french man that i started feeling bad about my ... addiction? habit? when he mentionned that he hadn't watched tv in over 15 years (movies were exceptions) i couldn't believe it! i thought, very naively, "then what do you do?!". mind you, we spent most of our time just hanging out and drinking so the tv wasn't really part of our friendship but once we started dating, evenings became more relaxed and intimate - pyjamas, a beer and tv. and every single time he would complain and comment on basically everything. it drove me nuts. he would laugh at the shows i was watching, complain at the commercials that were passing and just be flat out annoying (or so i thought at the time)... then i got pregnant. already in the first few months, he was beginning to let me know how he really, truly felt and where he stood on the subject: tv was poisonous and he didn't want his children around it. not now. not later. not ever. not even maybe. i was able to bargain to keep the tv during the final months of pregnancy and the first few months of being at home with the baby - without too much trouble given he understood the situation. i have to say, being at home, alone with a newborn and having as much trouble breastfeeding as i did, tv wasn't only helpful... it was vital. it may of saved my sanity... and potentially my baby. when élie turned 3 months, we gave her the best gift we could possibly give her: we cut cable. no more tv watching. no more commercials. no more ridiculous shows. no more being passive in front of the idiot box.

like i said, i'm not going to lie: same as any addiction, the first  few weeks were tough. really tough. i just didn't know what to do with myself. days seemed to go on forever. it was just me, a newborn and what seemed like defeaning silence that sometimes felt like torture. i'd always been a big fan of music but i must admit that i totally rediscovered it once tv was gone. that and the art of dicussion. actually listening and paying full attention to the conversations i was having. i started appreciating more and more every day the beauty of life and all that it had to offer. like a smoker who quits and begins tasting foods differently, smelling things differently... i was taking amazing pleasure in just watching my daughter be. i was having the most amazing, deep conversations with yann. i was reading books i had bought years before and had never taken the time to read. i was taking more walks. writing more in my journal and doing projects i had had on the back burner for too long... all because i had been spending most of my "free time" watching tv.

i've been a year tv free. at the time, it felt like i was giving my daughter a gift. in retrospect, i gave myself an even bigger gift. freedom. mental freedom and time. now that i've been a year without tv, i can safely say it drives me insane when i walk into someone's house and the tv is just idly playing in the background. it almost shames me to say that i now have the same judgements and thoughts about others as yann did about me almost 2 years ago... and only a year ago, i was the same zombified being receiving information i hadn't asked for and yet, here i am today. writing this post. i feel sad when i walk by a house at night on my evening strolls with gypsy and all i see is dim living rooms with only the horrifying light gleaming from that small screen. i feel sick to my stomach when i see people eating supper with the tv on, unable to even adress the person sitting right in front of them and bother to ask, "how was your day?". i see red when i'm talking to someone and realize they heard nothing because they were more interested in the new head'n'shoulders commercial.

above all, i feel ashamed to think i was once that person. all those people. that was me.

nowadays, you can still find me sitting on the couch - reading, writing, doing crosswords, cuddling with élie or with yann, petting the dog or one the cats, talking passionately with a friend, facebooking (one addiction at a time, please), blogging, searching for new recipes, researching homemade projects (...and actually doing them!!!) or watching a movie. a movie i chose. a movie i want to see. not passively watching show after show, being bombarded with ridiculous commercials of products i don't want but suddenly think i need, restaurants that don't even exist in my area (or country, for that matter), cars i'll never drive or companies i couldn't care less about even if i tried. i take more pleasure in the smaller moments and i thoroughly enjoy just being. i'm not saying tv was keeping from living but i'm not saying the contrary either...

when i see children needing a screen put in front of them in order to sit still for 2 minutes without throwing a tantrum, i think... there's something wrong with the picture. children are being over-stimulated, propped in front of the tv set as young as birth. and why do we do it? because that's what we know. that's how it was done for us. but it's not too late to break the cycle. it never is. i'm not suggesting we all cut cable - we are, after all, free to make our own choices - but i am suggesting turning it off once in a while. taking a walk. having a real talk, face to face. reading a book. listening to music. scrapbooking. taking up a new hobby. the possibilites are endless and oh so rewarding.

we spend so much time wondering why days just fly by, why children are so demanding, why human contact has become almost obsolete - there are 24 hours in a day. an average workday is about 8 hours. we spend on average 6 hours sleeping. and 3 hours watching tv. that's 15 hours a week. in addition to a 40 hour workweek (and then we wonder why times just zips by and why days seem to last 5 minutes!) 99% of households in america own atleast one tv. an average (tv-watching) child sees about 16, 000 (!!!) commercials per year. 54% of children between 4-6 years old chose watching tv over spending time with their fathers when asked to choose between either. statistics like this aren't needed to convince me but they definitely cement our decision to cut it out of our lives and confirm what a brilliant choice that was. the merit goes to yann, i just tagged along and boy, am i ever glad i did. i'll be forever thankful that he opened my eyes to life without television.

and above all else: i'll be forever thankful that we are allowing our daughter to grow up in a television-free zone where creativity prevails and freedom of thought is key. she draws. she plays the piano. she can manage to just sit there with just about nothing and be content. and that, my friends, is priceless.

xmas two thousand ten

december 24th, 2010 - 10:00 AM

i've just peed on a plastic stick. on the surface, this doesn't seem very representative or meaningful. deep down, this little plastic stick with my urine on it is about to change my life. instantaneously, those two little pink lines appear. i haven't even wiped yet. something must be wrong. after having stood in front of the pregnancy test aisle for about 15 minutes in utter confusion, yann had finally just grabbed the cheapest one. i don't trust it and its result. i'm skeptic. we've been dating for barely 2 months, do i even want this? what do i want? i had had the test, still in its wrapper, on my dresser for 3 days now. unable to face the reality. my breasts were tender, painful. something inside of me already knew...  yet, my head can't wrap itself around those telltale pink lines. we leave it at that. we're having about 15 of our friends over for christmas eve tonight. our first christmas together. we have errands to run - i take the opportunity to stop by the pharmacy. i choose the fanciest test there is. if there was one that could speak, i'm pretty sure i would of chosen that one.

home we go and decide to have a little lunch before launching in the preparation of our christmas eve party hosting endeavour. i can't take the suspense any longer - while yann finishes fixing lunch, i quietly slip in the bathroom, have a little stick pee, rince it and leave it on the counter. i sit down to a pipping hot bowl of soup and tell yann, "if you want to know if you're going to be a father, the answer is on the counter in the bathroom." we're both just sitting there smiling. he's nervous, i can tell. he gets up, goes in the bathroom for what seems like an eternity (i think it was actually about 2.3 seconds) and out he comes with the stick and an even bigger smile. he doesn't say anything but he doesn't need to. we're happy but we can't seem to find the proper words to communicate it. we finish our lunch and start on the prep for the evening - we just make food, listen to music and both seem too stunned to even talk about it. sooner than we had anticipated, people begin arriving. we've settled on not telling anyone. we're both still so much in shock that we're unable to share the news. in order to do so, things must seem normal - i allow myself one last night of debauchery. i drink. i smoke. i toke. i do it all. i'm nervous and can't get this child off my brain yet it hasn't sunk it enough that i feel bad downing jäger shots still at 5:00 AM.

on the phone with côte des neiges

the next morning is a new day for a us. a new life. yann swears to not drink for the next 9 months - i'm not sure if it's because of the pregnancy or the horrible hangover he has but atleast i have someone to accompany me. we were partners in vice, now we're partners in sobriety (and i can assure you, it wasn't easy). we spend the next few days hiding from everyone. we don't quite know how to put into words what's going on in our lives and above all - we're not even sure what the next step is. the holidays are making it even more complicated for us. the one thing i do know is this: i'm way too afraid of hospitals to give birth there. on january 7th, 2011 we finally call the closest birth home center - côte des neiges. the lady on the other end of the line is rude - what a great start - and seems to be annoyed that yann has called and not me. she says they'll call us back when i get a place. (funny fact: to this day, they still haven't called back.) not feeling confident at all, we begin looking for an alternative. we do what everyone does and call the nearest medical clinic and set up an appointment with a doctor. meanwhile, all i know is that i don't want to give birth with him. i haven't even met him but i know i want nothing to do with a man near me during birth if it isn't yann. call me sexist, i don't care. i just don't see how a man (that isn't my fiancé or my father) can be understanding/useful in a time like this. you wouldn't ask a man for tampon advice, would you?


meanwhile, yann manages to get a hold of a friend of his in france. his wife gave birth to their 4 children at home. maybe they can help us. oddly enough, his midwife knows a girl here in québec whose dabbled in midwifery. we've yet to meet with the doctor (let's call him... Dr. Evil) but we meet with her anyway (let's call her... Little Miss Sunshine). she's spunky and welcomes us into her home as though we've known each other for years. she talks about home birth so passionately that i suddenyl can't imagine myself doing it any other way. since she herself isn't a midwife, she gives us the number of another woman. between classes, i give her a call. she seems nice but informs me right away, based on my "due date", that she might not be available but gives me the number of one of her colleagues. i'm positive but this is starting to be a little ridiculous. we begun this journey in france, made it to québec and we're just bouncing from one person to the next. meanwhile, i still have a month before my appointement with Dr. E. i call what i hope is the last person in this game of "find a midwife". the second i hear Her voice on the line, i know i'm done looking. She's warm and kind, patient and caring. i can just sense it in Her voice that She is the type of person that wakes up with a smile on Her face. we set up a meeting that falls right after my first meeting with Dr. E - which just so happens to be on february 14th. how fitting...

february 9th, 2011 - 8:50 AM

i never, ever check my voicemail. for some reason, that morning i feel the need to. i'm still laying in bed when i punch in my password and hear this message: "hi, i'm so and so from Dr. E's clinic and we're calling to inform you that your appointment has been pushed forward to February 9th at 9:00 AM". i check the date. i check the time. and freaking out ensues. i call the secretary asking how this could be given that i never called to confirm. she's, once again, very rude and tells me that i'm going to miss my appointment. (i hadn't realized we were playing "state the obvious" but clearly, she wins.) i ask her if there is any chance under the sun that i can come now and possibly see the doctor anyway, that i've been waiting a month for this. she says that i just need to be here before noon and they'll figure something out. i do something that ressembles showering, pack a light snack (my buddy, nausea, has already begun tagging along) and we run to the metro.

it's barely 10:00 AM and we've made it. i present myself, out of breath and tousled, at the front desk. the second i hand her my medicare card, i just know she recognizes me. she sticks us on two chairs in the hall, the waiting room is full. babies crying, people coughing, brown carpeting... everything to make you feel right at home. we wait. and wait. and wait. i pee. and puke. and pee. yann does his best to keep his calm. she finally calls me over to her desk. asks me to take my shoes off and get on the scale. i'm confused. is she the doctor? will i be examined here, in the waiting room?! i'm overwhelmed and yann is still sitting out in the hallway a.k.a our own personal waiting room. i begin to panick. her rudeness isn't helping. she asks me to fill out papers. i ask her one question to which she bites back. over the radio, in the background, i hear the song that was played at my cousin's funeral. i break down. i can't hold it in any longer. i just start bawling, right there, shoes off, in the waiting room, in front of a bunch of strangers. you'd think she'd lighten up but instead just asks me if i'm done. i look up at her, eyes full of tears, and tell her that i don't deserve to be treated like this. that i'm human, too. that if she's having a bad day, it isn't my fault and that my child doesn't deserve to have its first contact with its parents like this. she's so stunned, she doesn't even know what to say. she turns around and grabs a box of tissues and asks me if she can help me with finishing up the form. things are looking up, i start to feel a little more hopeful that this won't be a horrible exprience after all. i go back to my chair and resume back to waiting.

about 3 hours after our arrival, we finally get to see the doctor... or so we think. my newfound friend from the front desk comes to get us. she leads us in a small, cold examination room and instructs me to "take off my pants and sit on the table." i do just that. before she leaves, she closes the curtain which leaves me sitting, alone on a cold table, ass hanging out, with yann awkwardly sitting on the other side. we speak to each other like it's one of those 70's dating shows - we don't know if he's even allowed on the other side of the curtin. finally, 15 long minutes later, Dr. E walks in looking like a character straight out of star trek. one glance and i just know with certainty, this is the first and last time he'll ever get his huge man hands near my vagina. he walks by yann like he's just a picture on the wall. he looks over the forms i filled out an hour or so ago... in silence. it's so awkward. i manage to peep out the side of the curtain to yann. seeing his face settles me but i just wish he could be standing next to me. Dr. E finally graces me with his presence on my side of the curtain. he tells me to "lay down on my back, put my ass as close to the edge of the table and feet up in this horrible cold, metallic stir-ups" (clearly not with those words but it's my story here...). without warning, he jams another cold, metallic apparatus up my lady part. what up?! thanks for the warning, Dr. Asshole. he looks up over the blue sheet and tells me i need to relax. "oh sorry, bro. relax? yes, given this feels like rape, let me just relax here." is all i can think of. i just politely smile and tell him i'm doing my best.

he puts away his instrument of torture and takes out the doppler. again without warning, he plops down a dollop of cold-ass gel on my stomach and begins looking for the baby's heartbeat. (in retrospect, i wish he would of told us, i wish he would of invited yann to come over and listen, too.) forcing his way around my stomach with his little machine, he asks me if i can hear it? "hear what?!" is what i blurt out. i have no clue what's going on - mind you, i'm nervous and this is my first pregnancy. "your baby's heartbeat!" he retorts back as though i'm mentally challeneged. gee golly, Doc, don't be too nice either! when i finally hear what i'm supposed to be hearing, i mutter a quiet "yes" - i'm so touched to finally hear the confirmation of the baby's presence. he keeps the doppler on me a total of about 7 seconds. he carefully wipes his doppler and hands me one piece of brown paper to wipe myself down and just leaves me there. as he sits behind is desk, i realize this is my cue to get dressed... i take a seat next to yann. silence. the doctor starts asking questions - he seems put off by everything we say. the cherry on top comes when we mention that we are looking into a home birth. he literally drops his pen, takes off his glasses and tells us that we "need to make up our minds now because we're taking up someone's place and wasting his time". in that instant, i know that i would prefer giving birth in a dumpster full of rats than having to deal with this horrible example of a human being ever again.

on our way to the clinic...

we leave the clinic mad, disappointed and a little in shock. we try and figure out what just happened - it all seems so surreal. how can someone be so cold with expecting parents? with anyone, really?! i'm pretty sure i've had better, warmer, kinder service at canadian tire... our only hope is in waiting for our meeting with Her. i can't remember the date, it doesn't really matter but soon after we meet with what would soon become our midwife. She comes to our house for our first meeting - She tells us it should only take about 30 minutes to an hour, just so we can get aquainted and see if we click as a team. She walks in, hugs and kisses us... aaaand i'm already sold. 3 hours later, we've talked about everything under the sun - life, animals, career, birth, tattoos, food, family, photography... it just clicks. we're so overwhelmed with emotion to have found the one that we set up another meeting right away. our mind is set: we will go back to Dr. E to have one echo (we're both still a little stunned and overcome by emotions that we need visual confirmation) and then be done with him. our hope, our plan is to have the follow up done by Her. i trust in Her, i trust in my body, i trust in my baby and i trust in yann... together we embark on the journey of home birth and that is where it all began, on december 24th with a stick full of pee...


to be continued...

"e's birth - part 3" or "breastfeeding, best feeding"

september 2, 2011. 11:00 AM

i've just experienced the most amazing thing in the world. i've given birth barely a half hour ago... i gently place my daughter to my breast. i hope for the best but in the back of my mind i just know it'll work. why wouldn't it? what could go wrong? as she latches on for the first time, i feel just about the worst pain - mind you, i have some frame of reference, given i've just expulsed her from my vagina. at this point, giving birth kind of feels like it was the easy part of the ordeal. the pain her suckling is causing is just beyond anything i had ever imagined. it's far from being the magical, amazingly beautiful moment so many moms and books had described. it feels like someone is pulling my nipple from the inside with a pair of plyers and out my rib cage. i'm tired, my entire body hurts. i partly blame the fatigue and overall pain for how our first attempt at breastfeeding turns out. i figure, we have to give each other some time to adapt - find what works best for us. 

the midwife is encouraging and tells me i'm a natural. i just feel like i could die. but i've been waiting too long for this moment to stop. E seems to be enjoying it, taking in as much of the magical elixir as she can. right at the first suckle, i can tell she'll be a good eater. i rest up and wait for the little alarm clock to cry for more - we all sleep for a few hours and then she's back for more. i try and be positive. i hope for the best and plug her for the second time - excrutiating pain. but i suck it up. i figure, i just gave birth to her. i just went through 8 hours of pain - i can do 20 minutes of breastfeeding. 

the third time, the fourth... the twentieth... the hundredth. they're all the same. but i refuse to buy formula. i don't even want it in the house. but the pain just won't go away. i consult my midwife. ask my mom, yann's mom, friends. i pump my milk. i try every feeding position under the sun - sitting, laying down, in the bath, on my side... E gets trush. i get a mastitis. we do the gentian violet and i take antibiotics. nothing seems to be working. it's just painful. it even becomes stressful. i hear her cry and i want to run and hide under the couch. or a rock. meanwhile, i have what seems like a ton of friends telling me how amazingly, magically wonderful breastfeeding is for them. how not painful at all it is. i'm happy for them. i really am. it just sinks me deeper into thinking i'm doing it wrong. into thinking that maybe i should just give up. 

but i didn't give up. i last 5 months like this. some might think i'm crazy. others might understand. some might judge. others might not. bottom line is, after going through 8 hours of push pains, i went through 5 months of horribly, excrutiating pain in order to nurse my daughter. but i was proud. good gracious was i proud of myself given the circumstances and the trouble i had had. i was so happy that i'd been able to find it in me to go so long. i felt accomplished and empowered that i was able to feed my daughter the healthiest possible food in the world for her. 

i'm going to be honest - that feeling is long gone. everytime i shook up a bottle for her after that, the feelings of regret emerged. (we stopped formula when she was about 11 months old - soy milk, cow milk, almond milk was introduced) everytime i went to buy formula, i felt ashamed. everytime i saw a mother breastfeeding her child, i got jealous of her accomplishments. everytime someone asked me how long i breastfed her, i felt like 5 months sounded like 5 minutes. now, part of that might be the pregnancy hormones - part of it is actually how i feel. some of you might feel like i'm being quite hard on myself and maybe i am but my point of view is this: i brought her into this world and i wanted to do everything in my power to do the best for her - even if that meant being in pain for 5 months straight. 

now that i'm pregnant again, i feel like i've been given a second chance at breastfeeding and it's bringing back a lot of memories. if it works, it'll be a small victory for me and might get me one step closer to understanding what went wrong the first time around. 


oddly enough, as much as i find most people perpetuate a negative image of birth, i've found that everyone makes breastfeeding out to be magical. amazing. as though it'll be just the same for everyone. before experiencing it myself, i had never, not once in my life, heard someone say how painful breastfeeding was for them or could potentially be. or how much they didn't even enjoy it. or how their breasts calised and bled. once i started admitting how painful it was for me and telling people how i felt, so many others started sharing their stories and i realized that i was far from being alone - scabs, bloody nipples, infections, gluttonous babies... i realized i wasn't the only one to want to hide under the couch the second i heard my baby crying. or that i wasn't the only one to cringe when her mouth would approach my nipple. funny thing is, as much as i regret it not going longer and as much as it hurt and isn't the best example, i feel the need to share my story. to encourage other mothers nonetheless to breastfeed and persist. to let first-time mothers know that it can be hard but it is worth it. 

having said all this, i want to embark on a tangent in regards to breastfeeding - what some might call "extreme breastfeeding" or what others might consider to be "breastfeeding for a normal amount of time". what i'm talking about is, nursing past 1 year of age. some people seemed to be appalled that some mothers would nurse their toddlers well into their third, fourth or even fifth year of life. frankly, i could care less what other people do and i say, "power to you!" if you can go that long. personal decisions are not up for discussion. i've had so many people ask me what i think of this, half with a look of disgust on their face already letting me know what their stance on the subject was. part of me thinks, "what is it to you?". the other part is in awe of these mothers. 

most notably, in a recent times magazine article (that happened to make the first page and shocked people all around the world) breastfeeding toddlers was adressed and after going around a few forums, some being pro-breastfeeding, i was disgusted by the nature of some of the comments that could be read. some twisted people even seemed to find that there was some sort of sexual connetation to breastfeeding your child that long. most thought it was flat out gross and a select few were totally for this practice - which is a lot more common than we know. the thing is this - these women are all having the last laugh for a multitude of reasons:

-breastfeeding is free. 
-it produces natural anti-bodies for your baby. (a baby's immune system is still only 60% effective at 1 year of age)
-helps with losing the baby weight. (always a plus!)
-all nutrients a child needs are found in breastmilk.
-it increases closeness/bonding with your baby.
-breastfeeding is convenient when out and about.
-it promotes optimal brain development in babies.
-helps reduce breast/ovarian cancer in mothers who breastfeed and helps prevent it in infants that are breastfed.
-super eco-friendly!!!
-less chances of diabetes, obesity, allergies...
-many studies have shown that breastfed babies are less likely to be affected by SIDS.
-breastfeeding releases oxytocin, which can help in preventing baby blues/post-partum depression.
-also reduces the risk of post-partum bleeding.
-breastfeeding is a 98% effective contraceptive method in the first 6 months. 
-more easily digested by baby than formula.
-also protects against asthma, arthritis, Crohn's disease and cavities.
-less diarrhea.
-protect against the growth of harmful bacteria in the digestive system.
-breastmilk is always the perfect temperature.
-breastfed children are liess likely to contract a number of diseases later in life... juvenile diabetes, MS, heart disease, cancer...
-women who lactate for a total of two years or more reduce their chances of developing breast cancer by 24%. 
-the longer you breastfeed, the more beneficial it actually is for your child and for yourself.

really, need i say more? 

yes, it might be hard. i know first hand how difficult it can be. but i also know how important it is and how worthwhile it can be to persist. this post isn't meant to make women who couldn't or didn't breastfeed feel bad. far from it. i'm one of those women. even though i managed 5 months, i still feel i could of done more. better. longer. i'm just grateful i get a second chance...